Mockingbird

This week's Baseball on TV post is from Line of Fire, a very little watched show that lasted less than a season on ABC in the winter of 2003-2004.

Its not that it was a bad show, it just wasn't a good show. I gave it a shot, but it was one of those shows that just tried too hard.

The show told the stories of the FBI field office and the big crime family in, um, Richmond, Virginia? Yep. Because, when you think about organized crime, you think about Richmond, Virginia. The link between the two stories was the undercover FBI agent who is getting close to the crime family.

Mockingbird was the fourth episode of the show and aired on December 23, 2003. The story about the FBI agents in this episode had nothing to do with baseball. The organized crime family had the baseball hook. David Paymer, who I mainly remember as Ira from both City Slickers movies, was the head of the crime family. His name in Line of Fire is Jonah Malloy. That is about right for the name of the head of a crime family in Richmond, Virginia.

Here is the recap of the episode from TV.com:

Malloy pressures a local baseball team owner to give a former college ballplayer a tryout.

Now, this is completely wrong. First, minor league baseball doesn't work this way. A guy doesn't walk in off the street and say, "Hey, I got this kid who should be playing for your team." Second, the owner of a minor league team, at least an affiliated one, can't sign a player. And in this episode, they mention that the Richmond Mockingbirds are affiliated, they are a Double-A team.

Which is completely wrong, since the Richmond Braves are the Triple-A affiliate of the Atlanta Braves. But, it's only a show. I should breathe and just relax.

Anyway, it has been over three years since I saw this episode. So, I am going to rely on the writeup of this episode by Jessica, a writer at the excellent television site called Television Without Pity. You can read her entire recap HERE. I will be pulling a few of the important bits about the baseball plot.

Here is the intro to the episode to give you a flavor of what the show was like. For your total entertainment of this, you need to know that Roy is the undercover FBI agent and Donovan is the guy in the Malloy crime family who has taken him under his wing:

Bakery. Roy and Donovan come to collect on the baker's bet. He doesn't have the $880 he owes them, so Roy goes ape**** and shoves the baker's face into the wedding cake he's frosting. Then he frosts the back of the guy's head and tosses his face into a vat of batter. "Oh, that's original," Donovan notes, pleased, but then calmly assures Roy that the baker is good for the cash. "No more grace periods," Roy snarls as the boys leave.

Now to the baseball:

The Mob Bar. Blair's working the bar and talking to a kid about a bartending gig. Malloy sees the kid and gets his panties all in a wad. Guess this guy -- Jesse Sherwood -- was a decent college baseball player for Clemson. Malloy can't believe Jesse isn't playing ball. Jesse says he gave it a shot, but.... "How old are you?" Malloy wonders. Jesse says that he's thirty-one. Malloy says that's nothing..."I know talent. Talent, I know. And talent like yours does not belong behind a bar," Malloy says...Malloy says he knows the new owner of the ockingbirds, the AA franchise in Richmond. "You wanna try out?" Jesse hems and haws, but Malloy talks him into it. "Consider yourself in training," he says, and heads upstairs.

Thirty-one and starting out in Double-A. Malloy knows talent? It's a miracle that this show lasted as long as it did.

office of Eddie, the new owner of the Richmond Mockingbirds. He's finishing up some paperwork, while Malloy waits around and looks at his knickknacks. Because, as we all know, no one knows who Malloy is, or cares. Eddie and Malloy [chat] a bit, and finally Eddie invites Malloy to sit. "I assume you've got some new paper product that my business can't leave without?" he smiles. Paper products? Interesting front for a mob boss. If by "interesting," you mean "dull and humorless," which I do. Frankly, it is, yet again, pretty obvious that Malloy is no scarier than your average sixth-grade girl. Actually, that's not fair: sixth-grade girls can be very cruel. Anyway, Malloy announces that he came to talk baseball, and explains that he and the old owner used to talk ball all the time. Eddie doesn't care. Malloy continues, explaining that he ran into someone Eddie might be interested in: Jesse Sherwood. Eddie knows all about Jesse Sherwood. And Eddie doesn't care about Jesse Sherwood. He doesn't want to have anything to do with Jesse Sherwood. Malloy starts fondling a bat on Eddie's desk. "Well, as a favor, then?" Malloy says in his I'm Threatening voice, which is really more like I Got Beat Up On the Playground a Lot as a Kid, And Now I'm Out for Revenge, But Everyone Still Has a Better Right Hook Than I Do voice. "To whom?" Eddie wonders easily. "To me," Malloy tells him. Eddie sighs. "No disrespect, Jonah. I'm sure you're very good at what you do. But I like to think that I'm pretty sharp at my own game. But just as I wouldn't presume to advise you on your business...." He waves a hand. Malloy squeals that he's not advising. He's sharing some friendly information! And Eddie appreciates it. But he "comes from a different school" than the old owner did: "I believe in stats, not chat. And as you can see, I've been pretty successful at it. So, if it's okay with you, why don't I do what I do and you do what you do. Deal?" He grins..."Fine, Eddie. I'll do what I do," Malloy responds. And you'd think that would be scary coming from a mob boss, but it really just sounds like what he does is grade Physics exams. "You're always welcome, Jonah," Eddie grins.

Mistake. Eddie pays for this later in the run of the show in a poker game that ripped off the poker game on the train between Henry Gondorff and Doyle Lonnegan in The Sting.

Malloy Manor...Malloy comes in, all irritable that Eddie didn't want to indulge his stupid fantasy about being a baseball scout, and he's also annoyed that Donovan ate the last piece of pie. Donovan can't believe that Eddie was so mean to Malloy...He tells Donovan that he's never wanted to see anyone dead as much as he wants to see Eddie dead. You are the head of a crime family, and this is the thing that's gotten you the most worked up, ever? You've never been flipped, you've never had anything stolen from you, you've seen your brother whacked, nobody's ever [stolen] your girlfriend? Dude, Jonah, you need to get out more. Enter Roy, who realizes that he's sort of interrupting something, but Malloy says he isn't and just stomps off to play with his chemistry set and dream of revenge.

That last little bit was the without pity part of the website.

Malloy's Party House. Leon and Jesse The Baseball Player [chat]. Enter Malloy, who gives Jesse a hard time about drinking beer. "That's that with that! You're in training!" he scolds, taking away the bottle..."I got a try-out?" Jesse asks. "Let me worry about that," Malloy says, before taking Jesse out back, where he's set up a batting cage because he has no sense of how weird this little obsession of his is.

Jonah Malloy: crime boss, baseball scout, personal trainer.

Across town, Eddie the Baseball Guy...gets kidnapped from the urinal. Yeah, that's rough.

That's what you get for messing with Malloy.

Malloy and Donovan enter a warehouse. Malloy says he doesn't like surprises, but Donovan thinks he's going to like this. It's Eddie the Baseball Guy, all trussed up like a turkey with a ball gag in his mouth. Donovan offers to let Malloy whack Eddie himself. Malloy is all, "What are you doing?" Donovan is all, "You just said you wanted to see him dead," and Malloy is all, "It wasn't an order, I was just sounding off," and Donovan is all, "So, wait. You don't want him dead?" And Malloy then delivers this whole speech about how he wants Eddie in his office, begging for a favor one day, so that Malloy can spit in his face, and I have several comments, naturally, namely that Eddie will never think to ask a favor from a man whose name he barely knows and whose business he doesn't know at all. If Eddie's mobbed up at all, it's probably with people a lot scarier than Malloy is. There's no reason for him to come to Malloy. Malloy doesn't have that kind of power. I hope, in fact, that this entire thing kicks off a gang war, ending with Malloy's getting whacked because I still think he couldn't work any less as the head of a crime family. They could have cast Hilary Duff in this role and it would have worked better. Anyway, Donovan is all, "Oh. My bad," and Malloy just asks him to clarify things with him before he gets out the old ball gag.

Can anyone see Tony Soprano, Paulie Walnuts, or Christopher Moltisanti acting like this? Anyone?

The episode ends with a montage (which was a trademark of this series) that tried to wrap up or start off plots (it was never really clear which). Two scenes in the montage are:

Eddie emerges into traffic with a bag over his head.
Malloy coaches Jesse on his swing.

How is this show still not on the air?!?!