Quietly and with little Fanfare

The Clinton LumberKings are a topic in a column by John Carlson of the Des Moines Register today. The open...

Finally, the official end to a rugged winter.

It's time for the crack of the bat. The fastball popping the catcher's mitt. The perfectly executed double play. A game that, according to the rules, could continue forever. The first pitch of the season is so close — mere hours away — you can smell the hot dogs, popcorn and warm peanuts.

Naturally, some busybodies are trying to wreck it.

No, they're not trying to outlaw the hanging curve, although I know some Cubs fans who think that would be a pretty good idea.

I'm referring to a doctors' organization in Washington, D.C., whose members spend their time trying to keep the rest of us from eating what we like. They now have announced disapproval with one of the newest and most interesting food items being shoveled onto platters anywhere.

That would be the oft-posted upon Fifth Third Burger. However, the point Mr. Carlson would like to make is that the LumberKings were light-years ahead of the rest of the Midwest League in unhealthy food technology.

"That Michigan burger is getting all the pub" (meaning publicity), said Nate Kreinbrink, assistant general manager of the LumberKings. "I think we have them beat."

I have known about -- and I will freely admit before this committee that I have eaten it more than once -- this item for years. The humble people of Clinton never thought to pub it though.

So, how did Mr. Carlson pick up on it? By talking with former Battle Creek inmate...I mean front office member Scott Sailor. Scott is currently in the Iowa Cubs front office. They are located in Des Moines...Geez, do I have to do one of the conspiracy walls like Charlie Crews has on Life?

The I-Cubs have a comprehensive, but rather traditional menu. It's not likely to change.

"It's successful," Sailor said, referring to the normal-sized hot dogs and brats, normal-sized burgers and other normal-sized items. "Our fans like it."

Then he directed me to the kitchens of Clinton's ballpark, on the banks of the Mississippi River and the famous — possibly soon-to-be-infamous — "Garbage Pail."

Garbage Pail...Let that roll around in your brain and your taste buds for a moment. Okay. Continue...

What it is, well, it's pretty much an assortment of every fried food we serve," Kreinbrink said. "It's very popular. It has seasoned fries, chicken strips, cheese balls, onion rings, mini tacos and jalapeno poppers."

Anything else?

"Oh, yes, there is," he said. "I forgot the mini corn dogs."

You had me at cheese balls.

Two or three of each delightful selection is placed in what Kreinbrink calls a 5-pound food boat. Some people pour salsa all over everything. Others choose ranch dressing, barbecue sauce, ketchup or mustard. Or any or all of the above. He compares it to the sampler platter at a fine restaurant.

So the next time you go out to that fancy French or Italian restaurant, just ask for the Garbage Pail.

"It's our signature dish," he said. "It was on the menu when I got here seven years ago. We sell hundreds of them on a busy night at the ballpark. It's a heck of a deal."

As I said, light years ahead of the rest of the league in unhealthy food technology.