A bottle of Wild Turkey, a map, and some darts

No. Not the ingedients to a MacGyver invention.

The title of this post is taken -- probably paraphrased because I can't find it on-line and for the "life" of me I can't remember who said it* -- from a description of how it was perceived that major league schedule makers, um, make schedules.

Benjamin Hill of milb.com reports that maps are used, but there are factors other than darts and sweet, sweet bourbon.

Schedules made from organized chaos
Annual game lineup creates headaches for Minor League presidents

Schedule makers (be they team executives, league presidents or, occasionally, outside contractors) have to take a seemingly infinite number of factors into consideration when crafting their five-month, 140-game opuses.

First, there are regulations to contend with concerning the length and frequency of road trips. For example, the industry-wide "500-Mile Rule" stipulates that teams cannot travel more than 500 miles between destinations without the benefit of an off day or plane ride. Schedule makers also must work around a wide variety of "blackout dates" (days in which certain teams are unable to play home games) and similar nuisances, which must be dealt with on a case-by-case basis.

It is also important to equitably distribute home and away games throughout the season as a preponderance of home games within the cold weather or school-in-session months of April and May is sure to result in howls of protest from affected clubs.

The following is a case of: Be careful what you say and to whom you say it.

One of the most experienced schedule makers in Minor League Baseball is Norfolk Tides General Manager (and 2004 "King of Baseball") Dave Rosenfield, who devised his first schedule in the mid-'60s and has been handling International League duties for four decades. When asked what first drew him to this masochistic endeavor, Rosenfield answered with a humorous anecdote.

"We were brand new to the Carolina League in 1964 and I went to the league's scheduling meeting," he recalled. "There were 20 weekends in that year's schedule, which meant that each team was entitled to 20 Friday and Saturday home dates. But when the schedule was handed out, we had only seven weekend dates and the guy who made the schedule had 28.

"After it was passed around, it was asked if anyone had any comments. I spoke up and complained, and the league president, a distinguished Southern gentleman, asked if he thought I could do it better. I decided to endear myself to the schedule maker by replying, 'A monkey could do it better.' The league president said, 'Fine, you've got two weeks.' I had no idea what I was getting into. I just sat down and did it. And I've been doing it ever since."

Hey, Look! We get a mention.

"Every year, eight or 10 teams will think their schedule is the greatest thing since sliced bread, while three or four won't like it at all," [Midwest Leaue President George] Spelius said. "But in those cases, a successful team won't start crying and go to the Kleenex box, they'll utilize their baseball knowledge and work on turning a negative into the positive. It's not like the season starts a day after the schedule is released. There's plenty of time to plan ahead."

Spelius cites the steady rise of contractual dates as one of the biggest scheduling challenges facing his league. These are days in which a club's stadium is unavailable due to non-league commitments.

"There are sometimes high school state tournaments we have to contend with, and in Appleton [Wisconsin, home of the Timber Rattlers], the Division III college championships are held every year," he said. "But we've come a long way since the old days, when a contractual date was more likely to have something to do with a flea market opening or something like that."

I've always said that there are two jobs in baseball that I do not want. I think I will add schedule maker to the list that already includes umpire and official scorer. Go read the whole thing.

*-I seem to remember John Kruk saying this.